We're Off to See the Wizard
by CryingDragon
Summary: Buffy and the gang are stuck in yet another crossover. And they know it. And they're not happy.



    Disclaimer: If I owned it, would I be writing fanfic? I'd just make them do what I want on the
    show. Joss and his flying monkeys have it.
    AN: Thanks to Queen Bodicea and cyberwulf for their reviews of my other Buffy story "WeddingFun".
    Hope you all like this one.
    ----------------------
    "They really think I can't handle my magic. I'll show them." Willow started pulling out various
    candles and herbs. Earlier at the party for Xander and Anya, Giles had even gone so far as to
    call her a rank amateur. "Amateur my ass." She thought carefully about what spell to use. The
    sound of Dawn coming up the stairs to her bedroom made Willow jump. She had to go somewhere
    else to do this. If she stayed here, Tara might catch her. She didn't stop to think about why
    this bothered her. Gathering her supplies, she quickly left the house and headed towards the
    Magic Box. As she walked, she didn't notice that she had started singing.
    "Somewhere inside the Magic Box,
    Locked up tight,
    I'll find a spell that will make them
    See that my magic works right.
    Somewhere inside the Magic Box,
    Full of herbs,
    I'll find the spellbook
    That's full of the right words.
    Someday they'll see that I'm a witch who's powerful.
    My spells will dazzle,
    None will frazzle,
    And they'll all adore me.
    Somehow, I'll make them notice,
    I don't suck.
    But now I'll watch where I'm going,
    Since I almost got hit by a truck."
    Willow found herself outside the store, and she went in. Giving only a brief thought to the
    fact that she had to pick the lock to get in, Willow searched for a spell. "How do I make them
    see that I'm really good at this?" As hard as she tried she couldn't find one spell that would
    do what she wanted, so she decided to make one up.
    "Spirits of air, answer my plea.
    Show them what they will not see.
    Spirits of air answer my call.
    Let the blindness from their eyes fall"
    ----------------------------
    "Where's the most likely place she could be?" Giles asked as he and Buffy checked their weapons.
    "I-I really don't know. She never goes out without telling me where she's going to be."
    Tara's voice showed how concerned she was.
    "Don't worry Tara, we'll find her." Buffy said as she and Giles headed towards the door.
    Suddenly the house started to shake. They thought at first it was an earthquake until they
    looked out the window and saw that the house was in the center of a large tornado.
    ----------------------------
    Willow gathered her things together and left the Magic Box. Hopefully by the time she got back
    to the house, the spell will have worked. Suddenly the wind rose, getting stronger and stronger
    until suddenly she found herself being picked up by it.
    ---------------
    Across town, in a rundown motel, a former, and believed eaten, high school principal was just
    about to settle down in bed to sleep. Ever since graduation, he had stayed in hiding. If that
    damn Summers girl and her friends put together that he had been working for the Mayor, they'd
    be on him faster than flies on... well they'd probably hurt him badly. Ever since that
    lunchlady he had been sleeping with had been arrested for trying to poison the school, he had
    been alone, but now he didn't even have the students to take out his frustrations on. He was
    just starting to fall asleep, with visions of whips and chains dancing in his head, when
    suddenly a strong wind whipped through his room, lifting him from his bed and knocking him out.
    -----------------------------------
    Back at Buffy's, the house whirled around two or three times and rose slowly through the air.
    In the middle of the cyclone, the air was still, but the great pressure of the wind on every
    side of the house raised it up higher, until it was at the very top where it remained and was
    carried away. It was very dark, and the wind howled horribly around them, but Buffy and the
    others found they were riding quite easily. After the first few whirls around, and one other
    time when the house tipped badly, the house had pretty much not moved.
    It seemed like hours had passed, and Buffy had fallen asleep, when she was awakened by a shock,
    so sudden and severe that she was surprised she had not been hurt. As she sat up and collected
    herself, she noticed that the house was not moving. Bright sunlight was shining in the windows.
    Buffy was about to say something when she realized she was alone. She also noticed she was
    wearing a blue checked dress and her hair was in two braids. Going to the door, Buffy threw it
    open and gave a cry of amazement The cyclone had set the house down very gently--for a cyclone--
    in the midst of a country of marvelous beauty. As she looked around, she realized that she had
    seen it before. "Oh great. she muttered. "Another one of those damn crossovers." At which point
    she felt a thwap upside her head.
    A disembodied voice boomed at her. "Just play along."
    Buffy rubbed her head. "Okay, okay. Just don't hook me up with Spike or something."
    The author smiled at the audience. "Sorry about that. Now back to our story."
    Buffy took a few steps outside her house, wondering where the munchkins were, when suddenly a
    large bubble landed in front of her. It popped, revealing Tara dressed like Glinda.
    "Tara?"
    "Hi Buffy. We're stuck in a crossover aren't we?"
    Buffy put a hand to her head and looked up. "Yeah. And the author is cranky so I guess we'd
    better get this over with."
    "Okay." Tara took a deep breath. "I'm guessing we're in 'The Wizard of OZ'. Did the house land
    on anything?"
    Buffy and Tara searches the foundation of the house, and found a pair of business type pumps
    sticking out under one corner. As they stood there trying to figure out who they could belong
    to, Buffy heard a noise behind her. She turned to see the munchkins staring at the feet.
    One of them walked up to her. "You killed her."
    "Who?"
    "The Wicked Bitch of the East. Thank you. We were getting tired of her PMS attitude." With that
    he and the other munchkins burst out in song.
    "Ding dong the Bitch is dead.
    Which old Bitch?
    That Post Bitch.
    Ding dong Gwendolyn Post is dead!
    No more PMS or
    Hits on the head,
    Cause ding dong the wicked Bitch is dead!
    She's gone where the goblins go
    Below-below-below
    Yo hoo--ah forget it."
    Just as quickly as they started, the munchkins stopped singing and walked away. Buffy and Tara
    stared after them for a minute.
    "Well that was surreal." Said Buffy. Tara nodded, then they both shrugged. "So anyway, I'm
    supposed to follow the yellow brick road still, right?"
    Tara smiled. "Actually, we couldn't afford yellow bricks. And we ran out of spray paint. Come
    to think of it, the munchkins didn't feel like finishing with putting in all the bricks either.
    But there is a path that sorta leads to Oz. I'd give you the shoes, but the only power they have
    is that they're too tight and make you bitchy."
    Buffy looked skyward. "You've been drinking Betsy's milk again, haven't you?" she shouted. Then
    she sighed, "Guess I should get this over with." Waving to Tara, she started down a path that
    had some of the bushes painted yellow. Suddenly she stopped. "Shouldn't I have a dog?" As if on
    cue, a small black dog came bursting out of the bushes.
    "Sorry Buffy. I didn't realise that dogs had such small bladders," it said.
    "Dawn?"
    "Yeah."
    "Figures."
    And with that the two of them started down the path once more.
    --------------------------
    They had been walking for a while when they found themselves in the middle of a cornfield.
    Buffy was almost afraid to see who had been stuck as the scarecrow. As she was trying to see
    if she could guess, a voice off to her left called to her.
    "Buffy, over here. Get me down from here."
    Buffy and dawn looked over to see Xander hanging from the scarecrow's perch. After a bit of
    struggle, Buffy managed to get him down. She quickly explained what was going on. Xander seemed
    to have a hard time grasping the concept, but after a few more minutes, caught on.
    Xander looked at his clothes. "I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I'm wearing
    my own clothes." He was quiet for a moment. "Wait a minute. If I'm the scarecrow, that means
    the author thinks I'm an idiot. Stupid crossovers. Oh no, do I have to sing too?"
    The music started in answer his question and he found himself attempting to dance as he sang.
    "I could be more than the dummy, more than a butt monkey
    A stooge to beat and maim
    And some ass I'd be kickin'
    And the bad guys would be trippin'
    If I only had a brain.
    I'd be more than the chauffeur, the caterer and gofer
    A pawn to play the game.
    I'd be swarming with chicks
    And do lots of awesome tricks
    If I only had a brain."
    The last note of the song ended on a high note as Xander landed in a rather painful split. Buffy
    hadn't realised that Xander felt that way. Well she did, but he never mentioned it again after
    the Dracula thing. Now she was starting to regret the way she had been treating him for all
    those years. But right now she had more important things to worry about, like finding their
    friends and getting out of this deluded fantasy. Just as she was helping Xander get up, they
    heard a cackle and saw a flash of light. When the smoke cleared, There stood Willow, looking
    like the Wicked Witch of the west.
    "Willow?" Buffy said in a shocked voice. "Did you do this? I thought you knew better than to
    try and use one of your spells on us again."
    Willow snorted. "See, you do think I suck at magic. Well by the time I'm through with you,
    you'll think differently. I'll see to that." And she disappeared in another flash and puff of
    smoke.
    Xander just stared with an open mouth. Buffy shut it for him and sighed. "I guess we should get
    going. The sooner we find the wizard, the sooner we can get out of this nightmare."
    ------------------------------
    They soon found themselves in a forest. They would have reached it sooner, but Dawn kept
    stopping to piddle and was whining the whole way that they were going too fast. As they were
    stopping to rest yet again, they heard a squeaking sound. Searching the area, they saw what
    looked like a tin man standing there holding a ruler. As they looked closer, they saw he
    resembled Snyder.
    "Principal Snyder? I thought he was dead." Xander puzzled.
    "I wish, you twit." The frozen figure muttered through clenched teeth. "Now use the damn oil
    can and get me loose."
    Buffy looked around and found the can. "Before I use this, how did you survive the mayor?"
    "Miss Summers, believe me you really don't want to know. Now I order you to help me."
    Buffy pulled Xander aside. "What do you think? Should we help him?"
    "What are you asking me for? Besides, what is he doing here?"
    "I guess they needed someone without a heart. Oh well, we can always find a way to lose him if
    he gets too annoying."
    They oiled his joints and got him moving fairly quickly. Buffy was hoping to get out of there
    to avoid the next song, but that hope was dashed as soon as they had freed Snyder's last rust
    spot. The music swelled and Snyder looked even more unpleasant than usual as he tried to control
    his body.
    "It's no secret that I hate you, would abuse and berate you
    You were having too much fun.
    All the kids would have feared me
    Adored and revered me
    If I'd only had a gun.
    I wanted to control you, fail you and then own you
    But the liberals always won
    If there'd been less intervention
    There'd have been more in detention
    If I'd only had a gun."
    Xander stopped the torture by interrupting. "I thought you were supposed to want a heart."
    "Why would I want one of those?"
    "Ooookaay," Buffy said after a long silence, "let's get moving again. The longer we stay here,
    the more I want to slay the author." This statement was followed by another resounding slap
    upside her head.
    "Now, now Buffy. If you keep that up, I'm gonna hook you up with Spike after all."
    Buffy looked horror stricken. "Ok I'll be good."
    So once more our intrepid band of victi- er heroes started off into the woods, ever grateful
    that the wonderful and benevolent writer wasn't making them skip and sing as they did so. For
    a while there was nothing but trees. Then the trees stared to thicken and they found themselves
    in a jungle of vines and plants as well. Remembering that they still needed the lion, they
    started to listen for the roar. What they heard instead was, "Ow, bloody hell. My head."
    Suddenly, out of the trees stumbled Giles, wearing the lion skin. He stood there for a moment
    taking in the group before him. "Willow?"
    "Willow." Xander and Buffy said matter-of-factly. "With the extra joy of a crossover." Buffy
    added.
    "Oh no, " he groaned. "I'm not gonna turn into Ripper am I?"
    "I hope not, but you are about to sing." Buffy informed him, not mentioning that the thought
    made her weak in the knees.
    Giles was puzzled at this until he heard the familiar music start up.
    "I have something interestin', that I'm scared of confessin'
    There's someone that I lurve.
    That's not a word and I know it
    But I'm too afraid to show it
    Cause I haven't got the nerve.
    Why is Snyder here I wonder, what's this stupid spell we're under
    Why am I the lion here?
    Is the author on drugs and
    Why don't I just shut up and…"
    At this point, a large piece of tape appeared over his mouth.
    "I love you Giles and I think you are adorable, but you talk too much. Now continue on with the
    story, if you please." The voice of authority boomed.
    They all heaved a collective sigh and Giles tried to remove the tape as they started walking
    again.
    --------------------
    Willow watched them in her crystal ball. Soon they would reach the field of poppies, and instead
    of the sleep spell, Willow had placed a spell that would make them confess their deepest
    darkest secret. That way they'd be so busy arguing, they would forget all about trying to reach
    the Emerald City. "Then when they are just about to give up completely, I'll step in as the
    voice of reason and they'll all see how strong I am." Then she conjured up some popcorn and
    settled in to watch the fun.
    ----------------
    Dawn was the first to give in to the spell. "I wish Buffy hadn't been brought back. I got more
    attention from Willow and Tara than I got from her."
    Everyone stopped in their tracks and stared at her. Snyder was the next to say something. "I
    always made Bertha use a British accent when she tied me up for sex, because I always thought
    you sounded sexy Mr. Giles. That's not what I was going to say."
    As their minds absorbed and rejected this bit of information, Xander burst out with a tidbit of
    his own. "I always thought Spike was kinda hot. I mean I love Anya, but wouldn't mind finding
    out what he could do. I'll shut up now."
    Once again, their brains couldn't take this. The convulsing of the group continued for a few
    moments. Buffy looked at her friend. "Spike? Why him? Now Giles I can understand, but Spike?"
    She looked like she was about to say more when suddenly Tara appeared.
    "I don't think you guys should stay here. Besides they're expecting you in the City. This might
    help you on your way." With a wave of her wand, Tara faded away, and a gentle snow started to
    fall. As if they were woken from a trance, they all shook their heads and vowed never to speak
    of this again.
    They quickly reached the doors of the Emerald City, and were about to knock, when a window
    opened and Anya poked her head out.
    "Don't even think of knocking on that door. As you can clearly see there is a sign that says to
    ring the bell. I had them put a bell in that sounded like a cash register since they wouldn't
    let me charge admission. How stupid is that, I mean after all, lots of people want to come in
    here and if they charged for it they'd be rich beyond their wildest dreams."
    "AHEM!!" The author spoke up again.
    "Okay, okay. Anyway, if you're here to see the wizard, you'll have to wait. Like I said he's a
    busy guy and I'm still trying to convince him to sell tickets for all his appearances. I mean
    if he's not gonna charge a cover he should at least make people get tickets."
    "ANYA!"
    "What?"
    "JUST OPEN THE DOOR!"
    "Oh okay. Are you sure you weren't a vengeance demon at one time?" With that Anya ducked inside
    and the massive doors opened. As they entered, they saw a mass of munchkins milling about,
    some with drinks in their hands others swaying to music that was playing. It looked like
    munchkin night at the Bronze. Anya led them towards what would have been the bathrooms in the
    club. "Well you can't go in to the wizard looking like that, so go in there and freshen up.
    Then wait at the bar till I call you." She turned and vanished into the crowd. After using the
    facilities, Buffy was the first to get to the crowded bar. Suddenly she felt a tap on her
    shoulder.
    "Excuse me, Pet, you look like you could use some help relaxing." She turned to find Spike,
    dressed head to toe in white, standing behind her. With a groan, Buffy put her head in her
    hands.
    "Go away Spike. I'm still not interested." She looked back up at him, instead of white he was
    now wearing bright blue with hair to match. "Uh Spike? Weren't you wearing white a second ago?"
    "Yes, but now I'm a stud of a different colour." Buffy rolled her eyes and walked away. "Wait,
    Pet. You haven't seen what happens when I turn red!" he called after her.
    She ran into the others at the far end of the bar. They were staring at their drinks as if they
    might be poisoned. When she saw the bartender, she understood why. The person behind the bar
    was none other than the lunchlady. The affect she was having on Snyder was a sight to behold.
    His face lit up and he looked like he was going to smile. Suddenly he jumped over the bar and
    began kissing her. Kissing led to groping and so on and so on. Finally, their eyes unable to
    take anymore, they vomited as a group. The gagging was interrupted by Anya calling out to them.
    "The wizard will see you now Buffy."
    "Come on Snyder, stop, oh please stop, what you're doing and let's go."
    "No thanks. I found what I was looking for. I don't need to see the wizard anymore." And he
    went back to; well it's just too graphic for this story. Suffice to say, he and Bertha lived
    happily ever after when they finally came out from behind the bar.
    The rest of them quickly made their way to the doors Anya was standing impatiently by. "For
    people who wanted to see the wizard, you sure took your time getting over here. Well go in and
    talk to him. Don't be surprised if he doesn't say much."
    Puzzled by that last statement, they went in. The found themselves in a large room. The lighting
    wasn't the best so they slowly made their way to what looked like a stage with a large throne.
    Suddenly there was a large flash as fire shot up to the ceiling.
    "WHAT!" a voice boomed from around them. At first they thought it was the author, but it was too
    masculine.
    "Um, we want out of here." Buffy answered.
    "SO GO!"
    "Well you see, we don't know how. I think we're supposed to figure some things out first, but
    we have no idea what they are."
    "BRING ME THE WITCH AND THEN MAYBE I"LL HELP!"
    "How do we find her?"
    "GO OUTSIDE AND SHE'LL FIND YOU!"
    "Can't you give us more help than that?"
    The fire suddenly went out. Realising they weren't going to get anymore information, they
    turned and left. As they went back into the club, they found themselves surrounded by the
    bouncers. Quickly a fight broke out as they tried to get away. Giles was quickly knocked out
    and Xander not far behind. Dawn ran and hid under a table and bit anyone who tried to get
    near. Buffy was grabbed and carted away.
    "Let go of me you big apes!" she shouted as she kicked and screamed, but they only carried her
    out the door. Soon they had carried her to Willow and set her down. "Wil, what exactly is going
    on here?"
    Willow at least had the good grace to blush. "Well, I wanted to prove to you guys that I knew
    what I was doing. It would have worked if we didn't get sucked in to a fic."
    "Well you need to come back with me to see the wizard. It's the only way to get out of here."
    "Okay, I'll teleport us to him."
    "NO! I mean, no that's okay Wil, it's not that far. We can walk."
    ------------------------
    Buffy and Willow returned to the Emerald City to find Giles and Xander holding ice packs to
    various parts of their bodies. When they saw the two girls, they looked like they were torn
    between anger and relief.
    "I'm glad to see you're all right, Wil. Now what the hell were you thinking?" Xander groaned.
    "I'm sorry. I figured if I cast a clarity spell, you guys would see how good I am. I guess I
    picked the wrong one."
    Anya poked her head around the door to the wizard. "If you guys are finished with the gushy
    stuff, the wizard wants you to get in here right now. Ad I wouldn't do anything to piss him
    off if I were you. I mean after all, he is the great and powerful Oz."
    To cut off the flow of words coming out of her mouth, they quickly followed her in through the
    door. Once again they approached the throne, to be greeted by the ball of fire.
    "I SEE YOU BROUGHT HER! WELL LEAV HER HERE AND GO! WE HAVE SOME THINGS TO DISCUSS!"
    Buffy lost her temper. "Wait a minute! You said if we brought her here, you'd help us."
    "I SAID MAYBE I'D HELP!"
    As this exchange was going on, Dawn had to pee again. As she looked around for a place to go,
    she saw a curtain. Since she always poked her nose where it didn't belong- "Hey! I resent
    that!"- Shut up Dawn. As I was saying, since she always poked her nose where it didn't belong,
    she pulled the curtain open. Xander saw the movement out of the corner of his eye and looked.
    Then he nudged Giles, who then nudged Buffy. Behind the curtain, was The Dingoes Ate My Baby.
    The keyboard player was working the effects as Oz spoke into the microphone.
    Noticing that the curtain was gone, Oz suddenly exclaimed, "PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE BAND BEHIND
    THE CURTAIN! THEY ARE JUST PROVIDING MUSIC--"The microphone cut out. "to the club." Oz finished
    lamely. The rest of the band stopped what they were doing.
    "Oz, we're gonna take five. Be back in a little while." Then they walked away, leaving Oz
    standing there alone. He smirked and walked over to Willow.
    "Hey."
    "Hey."
    "So Wil. Tried another spell."
    "Yeah." Willow stared at him for a moment. "Um, Oz. I think you should know. I'm a lesbian now.
    I'm in love with Tara and I'm over you."
    "I know Wil."
    "Y-you know? Then why are you here?"
    "It's the Wizard of OZ. The writer needed an Oz. And since the continent of Australia can't
    talk, I was the only other choice."
    "Oh. So do you know how to get us home?"
    "You all have to do what the spell was for."
    "But it was to make them see how good at magic I am."
    "No. It was to make them see what they refuse to see."
    "But-"
    "Wil."
    "I guess I'm not that good at it." As soon as the words left her mouth, she vanished.
    Xander spoke first. "Wow. All she had to do was admit what was right in front of her. Wait. That
    was an intelligent thing to say. And I figured it out by myself. I do have a brain, I just
    don't use it that much." Then he too was gone.
    Anya stamped her foot. "He was supposed to say that he loved me! No wonder I love money more."
    Bye Anya.
    Dawn sniffed around where they had stood. "I have to say, I'm jealous. The only thing I can
    think of is how annoying I've been.." she was out of there before she finished the sentence.
    Spike poked his head through the door. "Hey, Pet, are you sure you don't want a quick shag?
    After all, that's all I really want from you." Poof! And no I'm not calling him that, it's
    just the sound he made as he vanished.
    Snyder and Bertha, still attached at the hip, walked in. "We want to thank you Summers for
    inviting us along on this little trip. It made us realise how much we loved each other." They
    disappeared with a sound that was slightly slimy somehow.
    Suddenly a bubble floated in to the room, and there was Tara. "It took you long enough to get to
    me."
    Sorry dear. Just couldn't think of what you could be blind to. Joss left your character kind of
    weak in that respect.
    "Oh well, I guess mine is that I don't want to accept the fact that I don't believe Willow can
    control herself."
    That'll work. Say goodnight Tara.
    "Goo-"
    That left Buffy and Giles as the only ones who didn't confess anything yet. Giles cleared hi
    throat. "Well I suppose it's up to me to say my piece." He turned to Buffy. "Buffy, I've always
    loved you. Even when you were too young for me, all I've ever wanted to do was bend you over one
    of the library tables and have wild Ripper sex with you." Buffy's jaw dropped. But Giles stayed
    where he was. He looked at Oz. "Why am I still here?"
    "Anyone with sense could see what you felt for Buffy. So keep trying."
    Meanwhile Buffy, who was still staring at Giles said, "I never realised you felt that way for
    me." She too still stayed where she was. She looked around for a second. "Okay, I knew it and I
    wanted you to bend me over a table. But I never thought you had the balls to say it."
    "Neither did I." Then they both vanished.
    Oz looked around. "I never realised I was the brains in the group."
    You could have heard a pin drop in the empty room.
    End


End file.
